


Just Cells

by GuineapigQueen



Series: 200 Followers Requests [9]
Category: South Park
Genre: Abortion, Discussion of Abortion, M/M, Mpreg, Teen Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, You've been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 03:41:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19433197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuineapigQueen/pseuds/GuineapigQueen
Summary: Craig thinks he might like the winter, if it weren’t so harsh in South Park. Harsh. That’s the right word for it, for everything. Reality is harsh, cold, bitter. Like the environment matches the circumstance.





	Just Cells

**Author's Note:**

> I was given this prompt on tumblr: "Abortion creek prompt"  
> But I have wanted to write this story for a while, I hope I tackled this sensitive subject with dignity. I want to stress that I myself am pro-choice and believe that nobody should feel guilty for terminating a pregnancy. Craig's opinions and emotions don't necessarily reflect my own. Just wanted to be clear. 
> 
> I gave a lot of love and emotion to this one, so I hope you guys enjoy.  
> Thank you to sun_sparks for the beta job.

Craig thinks he might like the winter, if it weren’t so harsh in South Park. Harsh. That’s the right word for it, for everything. Reality is harsh, cold, bitter. Like the environment matches the circumstance. He should be in class, but after a few hours of being stuck in the bathroom puking, he’s decided that class is probably a no go. So he stays huddled in the stall, doors locked wishing desperately he was someone else. 

He’s a lonely soul, not great at opening up to others. Even his best friends do not know he is here - or why. He can normally manage on his own just fine; his friends are mostly there for him and his life is usually boring so there’s little to be worried about. But this is huge: this is the biggest, most dramatic and worst thing that has ever happened to Craig. It’s out of Clyde, Token and Jimmy's depths - and it’s beyond Tweek’s. Tweek. The person Craig is most likely to bare his soul to, but this feels much too different. This isn’t him venting to Tweek about his dad being a dick, or him letting Tweek see that he is sad. This is much worse - this is a baby. A baby that is in his belly.  _ No, not a baby, _ he tells himself. Cells, not a person yet - there is potential for them to be but not yet. If he got rid of the cells it would be okay, because they’re not a person,  _ not yet. _

For all the times he lazed around in Tweek’s bed while they talked deep into the night, there was nothing that made him feel comfortable enough to confess. They’re only sixteen, and Craig is an island. Locked away in a bathroom stall, knowing he has no one to tell and nowhere to go. He knows he needs to get to planned parenthood or something, find out how far along he is and make some choices… but it took him long enough just to do the take the home pregnancy test, which he ended up stealing from the pharmacy because he was far too ashamed to face the cashier. He took it at home, and screamed into his pillow as the test turned positive. He was just thankful that his cries were muffled enough so that parents never came up to check. It had felt like everything was over.

Now he is a dead man walking, feeling like he’s just dragging himself along until he makes the hardest choice he’ll ever have to make. Telling Tweek he doesn’t want to hang out because he’s sick isn’t a lie, it’s just so much easier to withdraw and do it all alone. Tweek hasn’t been too worried anyway; Tweek likes to party, he likes to skip class, get fucked up and do stupid things. Craig thinks he loves him, but he also knows better. He knows better than to hope to settle down. He knows that Tweek will not turn around and ask for them to be exclusive or that Tweek will somehow grow up and become baby daddy material. Craig knows that telling Tweek will go one of two ways: Tweek will tell him to get lost, or Tweek will go all misty eyed and insist that he keeps the baby. Craig wants neither of those things, because as sentimental as Tweek can be, Craig knows he can’t have a baby. Craig knows Tweek isn’t gonna trade parties for changing diapers. Craig can only see broken promises and himself, alone, holding a baby. 

Craig doesn’t think he has much in the way of dreams or ambition, but now he feels stifled. Maybe he could go to college, maybe he’d get a scholarship - he could go be an engineer and do well for himself. Get out of South Park and maybe see the world. Another reason not tie himself down dating Tweek - Tweek is probably not going to college. But now, facing the prospect of not going and being committed to another responsibility, Craig suddenly feels very strongly about his dreams. He doesn’t want Tweek leaning on him to make him stay. He doesn’t want to settle down. 

Nothing about this is fair, it’s  _ harsh.  _ Craig doesn’t want this to be his life, he doesn’t want to make this decision. He just wishes it would all go away, and he could go back to normal. He could go back to lazily fucking around with Tweek and his worst worry being whether his hair looks okay that day. Not this, not now. Not while he’s so young and so alone. 

—

Craig is finding it harder to block out things he would normally not even consider. The lunch room is so loud, people are shrieking, laughing, throwing things. Craig's head just hurts and there’s no way it isn’t pregnancy-related; he’s just been a headachey, nauseous mess since falling pregnant. His friends have made vague comments about how he isn’t eating anything, and Craig wants to yell that he wishes he could! He’s so frustrated with how unwell he’s been, it’s making the whole situation really hard to ignore and even harder to hide. His friends have kind of noticed he’s off, but not in any meaningful way. They mostly accuse him of being moody, and they aren’t wrong. Craig thinks they’d be moody too if they were in his situation. He slips a hand in the front pocket of his hoodie, he tells himself he’s only touching his stomach because he’s nauseous. He’s not thinking about the baby,  _ he’s not.  _

Clyde and Bebe are snuggling together at the table, they’re always so gross and schmoopy. Kissing and cuddling in public like they think people want to see. Fuck, if Bebe got pregnant, Clyde would probably get down on one knee. Nothing like that would ever happen for Tweek and Craig. Tweek is sitting a table over, with Kenny and Red and some of the other burnouts. He waves at Craig, with a big smile that meets his larger-than-life blue eyes. Something in Craig's belly twinges,  _ those eyes,  _ his baby could have those eyes. He smiles back at Tweek, even though it’s obviously fake, before ducking his gaze again so that he’s looking down at his lap.  _ It’s not a baby, not yet!  _ His stomach goes tight when he thinks about Tweek. When he sees Tweek, he sees a baby much more clearly. He has a piece of Tweek growing inside him - a piece of him and a piece of Tweek. 

He feels even sicker at the thought. He stands up bolt upright and makes a quick exit, not bothering to explain why or where he’s going. He can’t stay here any longer watching Bebe and Clyde being in love while Tweek looks at him  _ like that.  _ He power walks towards the bathrooms, feeling a horrible mixture of both sick, and incredibly sad. He ends up kneeling on the floor of a stall - crying grossly until he throws up. God, he wishes Tweek was here. He wishes Tweek would hold him. He’s not sure how long he stays in there for before deciding he has to get himself together. He wants to go home more than anything but his mom is noticing that he’s been missing school. So instead, he rinses out his mouth, washes his face and attempts to look put together. He sighs and lets himself touch his stomach one last time before exiting.

He’s stopped, almost as soon as he enters the hallway. He’s stopped by Bebe, much to his surprise. He likes Bebe, he always has, but they're not super close. He mainly knows her as Clyde’s girlfriend that he can have a laugh with sometimes. 

“Hey," she says, “you’re not okay, are you?”

Craig is a little floored. Nobody has asked him that before, it’s a lot easier to say the opposite. People have asked him if he is okay, but casually, flippantly - not like they really care. Bebe’s honesty stops him in his tracks.

“I’m not," he replies, feeling like he might collapse then and there in the hallway. 

“Okay," Bebe says, placing a hand on his shoulder. “We’re ditching, c’mon.” 

—

Bebe drives him out to a field, just a little out of town. Craig doesn’t exactly understand why she takes him here, as it’s very much the middle of winter and they’re both bundled up in jackets and scarves. It’s picturesque, he’ll give Bebe that. And they’re alone, completely. Bebe could totally murder him if she wanted and nobody would hear (though he wouldn’t mind if she did at this point). So they sit together on the fence, in a comfortable silence as Craig watches the snow swirl around in the wind. Idly, he wonders if the baby gets cold like he does, before he mentally slaps away those thoughts.  _ Not a baby, not yet.  _

“Are you gonna tell me about it? Whatever it is?” Bebe asks gently, kicking her legs over the edge of the fence.

“You can’t tell anyone," he whispers. “I mean  _ anyone,  _ not even Clyde. Especially not Clyde, fuck.”

“I won’t," she says, sounding very serious. “I’m just worried about you.”

“I’m pregnant," he sighs, desperate to finally tell someone and slightly relieved to have it out. 

“Oh no," Bebe says. “Shit, I’m sorry, man.”

“Nobody died," he says dryly, “but you can assume safely that I’m not celebrating.” 

“No, but I’m sorry that you’re in this position," Bebe says. “Have you told Tweek?”

“No. He’s not gonna know," Craig deadpans. The last thing he wants is all of this getting back to Tweek.

“You should tell him," Bebe earnestly offers, “but I won’t tell him, that’s up to you.”

Craig shakes his head. “He can’t know. I think he might talk me into doing something stupid.”

“What? Like getting rid of it?” Bebe says. Everything she says is quiet, gentle, like she’s afraid that someone else might hear. Craig appreciates the conspiratorial atmosphere. 

“Like keeping it," he says, blunt and honest. He knows he can’t keep it, he  _ knows.  _ He just can’t bring himself to act, at least at the moment he can kind of pretend he’s still deciding.

“Oh, well, I’ll help you… if you want. They want you to be over eighteen or have your parents permission though," Bebe offers. Craig is surprised she knows all this off the top of her head. He doesn’t ask. 

“I’d rather die than tell my parents," he admits. 

“I’ll talk to Kenny, he owes me a favour," she says with a small smile. “How far along are you?”

Craig shrugs. He tries to remember how long he’s been feeling like this - he’s been ignoring everything for a while now. But he can't be  _ too  _ far along, his belly is still perfectly flat. 

“If I go find out, will you come with me?” He asks her, feeling nervous. He’s obviously not going to be able to do this alone and he’d rather it be her than Clyde, or worse,  _ Tweek.  _

“Of course," she says, placing her own gloved hand on top of his.

—

Craig doesn’t notice it at first, when he wakes up in the morning. Mostly because he has to be sick almost as soon a he opens his eyes. It’s all instinct, his body carrying him to the bathroom before he barfs in his bed. He’s still groggy when he drags himself back to his bedroom, having to get dressed and ready for the day. He feels like hell but he can’t keep missing school; the last thing he wants is his mom figuring out something is wrong. 

He only notices when he wearily goes to get dressed. Pretty much all of Craig’s clothes are tight. He’s always been slim and toned and he likes to show it off - his legs looking good in skinny jeans was a pretty good distraction from when he still had metal mouth, and he'd only just got his braces removed. He likes to think he’s kind of fashionable - not in a twink-on-a-catwalk kinda way, but just that he’s a nice dresser. But now, he’s barely awake and his jeans won’t do up. He looks down to figure out why and he sees  _ it.  _ His normally flat-as-an-ironing-board stomach has popped out a little. Not enough to necessarily mean  _ pregnant,  _ but enough to make it look like he’s eaten a huge breakfast. He runs his hands over the curve, his heart pounding and guts swirling. 

“Fuck," he whispers to himself, before pulling the jeans off violently and throwing them to the other side of his bedroom. The shirt he has on is too tight as well, now he notices it. If he wore normal clothes, it probably wouldn’t be noticeable at all. So he has to dig around in his closet to find some sweats and a baggier t-shirt. 

This is because of his own inaction, shit. What if he’s too far along to terminate? He doesn’t even know how many weeks he’s supposed to be. The realisation is frightening, what if Craig is stuck? What if he has to stay pregnant now? He can’t do that - he can’t take not knowing. 

He calls planned parenthood for an evaluation that morning, he hangs up maybe two minutes before his mother comes in to check if he is getting ready for school. 

Tweek sits next to him on the bus, and Craig keeps finding himself touching his belly unconsciously. He can feel the new curve even through his clothes. Every time he realises, his brain fires up with paranoia: can anyone else tell?  _ Can Tweek tell? _ Why does he go stupid whenever Tweek is near? Whenever Tweek is around, he wants to touch his stomach and imagine a baby with Tweek’s eyes and he just  _ can’t.  _ He cannot have a baby, especially not at sixteen with Tweek - a lovely, but completely ill equipped burnout. 

“Are you okay?” Tweek asks him, and god, he’s staring at Craig’s tummy because Craig keeps  _ touching it.  _ He sounds so sincere, Craig has to blink back tears.

“My stomach is upset," he says, deciding fuck it. It’s not a lie, he wraps both arms around his belly. 

“That sucks man," Tweek says, and puts his arm around him. If Craig were smarter, less hormonal, he might have shaken him off. But he can’t, he loves Tweek, so instead he snuggles in. 

Once at school, he makes some excuse to Tweek before pulling Bebe aside. They walk until they find an empty classroom and sneak in, Bebe keeping a diligent watch for any teachers or students who might want to interrupt.

“This Friday," Craig says, “after school, you’ll take me to planned parenthood?” 

“Sure, you got an appointment?” 

“Yeah," Craig replies, “I’m paranoid I’ve left it too late.”

“Why?” Bebe asks, frowning with concern.

“Because of this," Craig says, deciding he should just show her. He has this weird, desperate urge to show someone, even if at the same time, he wants nobody knowing. He’s just so frightened by everything that is happening to his body. He winces, before lifting up his shirt to show Bebe his tummy.

She gasps, which is a little irritating because it’s not that dramatic. 

“Wow," she says. “Okay. That’s a baby.”

“It’s not," Craig says bitterly, his body betraying him by him laying a hand on his lower stomach. “It’s just cells.”

“Yeah," Bebe whispers. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say the B-word.”

“Just… I already feel bad enough, okay… so just… just don’t judge me.”

“I’m not, Craig," Bebe says honestly. “I never would, just make sure you’re making the right decision.”

“I am," he assures, “I don’t doubt my decision, I’m just emotional about it.”

“Okay honey," Bebe says. “Come here," and she wraps her arms around him tight.

—

The appointment on Friday is just an evaluation, a counseling session before Craig books the actual procedure. Craig is certain that he will be booking the procedure, his mind is most definitely made up. He knows logically that he has made the right decision - he cannot go through a pregnancy at sixteen. He cannot give birth to a real live baby and then raise it. Probably alone. He can’t do any of those things, he needs to finish school, go to college, make a life for himself. 

He finds out that he’s not too far gone to have a termination, he’s just showing very early. Probably because he’s skinny, but he’s not fit, so his tummy muscles aren’t tight. He does find out that he’s too far gone for a medical abortion though, and that he has no choice but to choose a surgical procedure. He’d hoped that maybe he could just take a pill and go home, but of course nothing was that simple. 

He has to get an ultrasound too, but thankfully they don’t make him look at the screen. The staff member is sympathetic, and very apologetic as she gives him the ultrasound. Craig is just glad they don’t make him listen to the heartbeat- he thinks he’d barf if he heard it. They ask him if he wants a picture, and even though he knows he’s supposed to say no, curiosity gets him and at the last minute he squeaks a  _ yes!  _ Bebe holds his hand, but Craig keeps the picture sealed in an envelope. 

He books the procedure for next week anyway. 

“How are you going to afford it?” Bebe asks him as they walk back to her car. Craig feels wobbly and sick, his adrenaline going into overdrive knowing he was  _ that close  _ to seeing the baby.  _ Not yet a baby. _

“I’ve got savings from when I worked at the grocery store,” he says. “I was saving up for a car but uh… this is more important I guess.”

“Okay, so you’re not telling your parents?” 

“No fucking way," Craig objects. 

“You’re gonna need a fake ID then. We’ll hit up Kenny," Bebe adds. “He knows a guy who makes really good ones.” 

“Okay," Craig says, his brain feeling like jello. “Don’t tell him why though.”

“Never," she assures him.

“And you’ll take me to the clinic right? And drive me home?” He bites his lip, because she could totally say no. And then he’d have to tell Token, or Tweek… god, he couldn’t do that.

“Of course, honey," she says, grabbing his hand and squeezing. “I would never let you do this alone.”

—

Kenny says he needs a few days to get the ID, which is fine because Craig has a week before the termination is scheduled. Craig isn’t sure what Bebe told Kenny, probably that they just wanted to go buy beer or something. Which is totally believable, Craig is no Tweek when it comes to partying, but he’s not a little virgin sitting at home either. Well, the bump of his stomach is proof of that. 

Tweek keeps trying to snuggle up close to him and suggest a booty call. And Craig isn’t sure what he wants to say, because right now a booty call is the last thing he wants. There is no way Tweek will not notice his belly, but he also just feels all around terrible. He either has a headache, needs to barf, zero energy or a combination of all three. None of those things are conducive to being in the mood for sex. Plus, if he lets Tweek close enough to cuddle, Tweek might start touching his stomach. Tweek often likes to hug him from behind and squeeze his middle. These last few days have felt like eternities. 

“You look  _ -nnn-  _ good today man," Tweek says. They’re both sitting together at the lunch table, Tweek insisting on being together and as predicted, hugging Craig from behind. Craig has his fingers intertwined with Tweek’s to try and keep his hands guided away from the roundest part of his belly. 

“I feel terrible," he replies. He has such awful mixed feelings about this whole thing; he feels sad and desperately wants Tweek to be close and hold him, but at the same time he wants him far away, so he can stop clouding Craig's judgement. 

“You’ve been feeling bad a lot lately, you  _ -hnn-  _ okay?”

“Migraines," Craig claims, again, not a total lie. “They’re like, the biggest boner killer.”

“Well, we don’t have to like, do it. We can just like watch movies and things. I just  _ -ah- _ miss you," he says, snuggling closer. Craig's tummy does a little flip,  _ fuck,  _ this is cheating. Tweek shouldn’t be allowed to be this wonderful.

“I mean, that could be okay," he says, against his better judgement. 

“Hey," somebody says, interrupting their conversation. It’s Kenny, he taps Craig on the shoulder. “Can we talk?”

“Yeah, sure," Craig says, seizing the moment to break away from Tweek. Craig loves him, but he needs a clear head. Lovesick Craig is no help to anybody. 

Bebe trails behind him, clearly she has realised what is happening. Normally Craig would be defensive and tell her to go away, that he can look after himself. But not this time - right now he’s so glad she’s looking out for him. They walk until they’re by the back of the school, near the smokers’ area. 

“Gotcha ID," Kenny says. “Everything alright with you?”

“Everybody keeps asking me that," Craig grumbles, fishing in his pockets for some money to pay Kenny.

“Well, you’ve never asked me for an ID before," Kenny points out.

“I’m fine," Craig says shortly, handing over the money. Kenny hands over the small piece of plastic in exchange.

“Craig, it’s okay, okay?” Kenny says softly, placing a hand on Craig’s shoulder. “You’re doing what’s best for you.”

Craig flushes red. “I don't know what you mean?” 

“Just, don’t beat yourself up okay, and you can lean on me anytime," Kenny says, smiling sadly. “We love you, man.” 

Craig lets out a shaky breath, he’s not entirely sure they’re on the same page, but he nods anyway. “Thanks," he says, voice welling with emotion. 

Kenny pulls him into a quick hug, before he heads back to where his friends are all sitting. 

Craig looks down at the little plastic card, the Craig in the picture is smiling. This is a photo of a Craig who has no idea what trouble he was about to get himself into. A Craig who thought an unplanned pregnancy would never happen to him, a Craig who thought he could just fuck around with zero consequences. A Craig he barely recognises today. Bebe puts an arm around him as he blinks and a fat tear rolls down his cheek. Photo Craig slowly gets blurrier and blurrier with tears. 

— 

There’s something very wrong about Craig and Bebe bunking off school so Craig can go and get a surgical termination. He spends most of the day stumbling around like a ghost; he’s been desperately sick all day and Bebe thinks it’s probably because he’s nervous. And she’s right - he’s extremely nervous. He knows he’s making the right decision, but it doesn’t make it any less emotionally terrifying. He spent most of the night before chanting to himself internally: ‘ _ it’s not a baby yet, it’s not a baby yet, not yet!’  _ After today, it will be over, he doesn’t have to worry anymore and he can maybe try and get things back to normal with Tweek. He just needs to get through today, and the weekend. Kenny’s fake ID sails through with no issues and Craig can’t help but be impressed. 

The worst part is that he has to get an ultrasound right before he goes in. It’s for the doctor's benefit - not his - and they assure him he never has to see the screen. There’s a curtain separating the screen from him but he still closes his eyes anyway, terrified he might accidentally see something. He spends his entire savings, plus a small loan from Bebe, so that he can get sedation. He doesn’t think he can go through with it without the drugs. He’s so indebted to Bebe, it takes everything he has not to cry. When he finally goes in, she kisses his cheek and squeezes him tight. He wishes more than anything she could come in and hold his hand. 

When he comes to, he is mostly woozy; he feels a little unwell, groggy and sore. His belly is cramping, but it’s not unbearable. It’s sort of just the combination of everything, he groans, not realising where he is or what has happened. 

“My tummy hurts," he mumbles to Bebe, her hand clasped in his while they wait until Craig is with it enough to go home. 

“I know honey," she says, squeezing his hand, “you’re gonna be okay.” 

The journey home is mostly blurry. Bebe helps him shakily walk to the car. She has a blanket in the back ready for him which he quickly bundles himself up in. 

“Do you remember anything the doctor just said?” Bebe asks, as she starts the car.

He shakes his head miserably.

“Okay," she says. “I’m gonna stay over tonight.”

Craig is too out of sorts to say no. He didn’t expect to feel like this; it’s not that he’s in pain so much, he’s just very groggy. When he asks Bebe, she tells him that some people just don’t react very well to sedatives, but if he gets any worse she’ll take him to the hospital. Craig is still with it enough to know that he really,  _ really  _ doesn’t want that. At least Bebe being there can maybe provide him with a buffer between him and his mom. His dad will probably leave him alone, but his mom would absolutely pry. As soon as they get home Bebe helps Craig upstairs to his bedroom, and he settles into bed immediately. Bebe makes sure he has pillows and blankets and microwaves a heat pack for him. He sleepily gives her the wifi and Netflix passwords and she settles in beside him. He falls asleep with her fingers threading through his hair and the soft sounds of some Netflix drama. 

He wakes up a few hours later to the sound of voices. He groans as he sits up feeling the wetness of blood in his underwear. He winces a little and rubs a hand over his cramping belly. 

“Craig, honey," his mom says, her voice all quiet like whenever he got sick as a child. It’s comforting. “You’re awake.”

“Mhmm," he mumbles, hoping the discomfort he’s feeling inside isn’t showing on his face. 

“Are you alright?” She asks. Craig knew she’d pry. 

“I have a headache," he lies.

“Is… are you okay here, Bebe? Have you guys eaten?”

“I’m fine," Bebe assures with a smile, “we were having a movie marathon and Craig fell asleep.”

“I’m not hungry," Craig replies, “but Bebe should eat.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Laura presses. “You don’t seem like yourself.”

“Let me wake up a little more," he mumbles, and she nods.

“Okay, well… I’ll be here if you need me…” she trails off before shutting the door quietly. 

“ _ Are  _ you okay?” Bebe asks as soon as his mother is gone.

“No," Craig admits “my belly is cramping still, and I think I need to change my… y’know?”

“Pad? Yeah, probably. You’ve got a whole stash in your backpack that the doctors gave you. Your stomach is probably gonna cramp for a while," Bebe says, rubbing his back comfortingly.

“How long do I bleed for?” He wonders.

“Could be like a week? Could be longer. The doctor said that it depends," Bebe says with a sad smile. 

“Thanks," Craig says. He really, truly hopes his tone conveys just how grateful he is. “I couldn’t have done this alone.”

“And you should never have to," Bebe says, giving him a tight hug.

—

Craig was naïve to think that things would go back to normal after the procedure. He knew he would be emotional about it but he hadn’t quite prepared himself for just how heavy he was going to feel. Physically, he recovered just fine, but his mind hadn't caught up as quickly. 

Seeing Tweek is almost a reminder, and he hasn’t really been able to stomach much interaction between them. He feels terrible, because it’s not like Tweek did anything wrong but Craig just can’t look into those eyes and start thinking about the baby, the  _ not-yet  _ and  _ never-to-be _ baby. He finds himself counting dates and milestones, like how many weeks he’d be, or how big his belly might have gotten if he’d stayed pregnant. He sometimes still expects to see that slight curve to his belly when he looks down, but it’s gone. His tummy went back to being flat pretty quickly; probably because he’s young and he was only just beginning to show, so things weren’t stretched out too much. He felt weirdly empty when his jeans began to fit again - it was a hollow victory. 

Craig finds it hard not withdraw. He doesn’t feel he can do things like party or goof off. He can’t set his mind aside to have fun and do teenage things; it’s like his soul is still in a heavy place. It’s not something he can really confess and have others understand, so he stays home on Saturday nights curled up in bed. Sometimes he just cries, almost meaninglessly, unable to really control himself. He’s not even sure why he’s so upset - it’s not like he wanted to have the baby. It’s not like he thought he and Tweek were gonna ride off into the sunset. He just wants to feel  _ whole  _ again. 

Tweek can definitely tell that Craig is acting cold on him, but he never manages to corner Craig to get an explanation. Bebe often steps in between their interactions, thankfully for Craig. Craig feels awful for causing so much hurt and for causing rifts in his friendship groups; he just doesn’t know how to fix what’s wrong inside of him. He needs to figure that out before he can let Tweek close again - maybe he’ll never be able to. 

It’s not just Tweek who notices Craig shrinking in, almost everyone does. Bebe diligently keeps her mouth shut and Craig is impressed by her loyalty. His friends try to coax him to come out, but Craig stays put. His mom notices that too; that he’s home alone often. Despite being home, he isn’t more social. He stays curled up in bed with the lights off. He comes down sometimes to eat but mostly ignores his parents and sister. 

He wakes from a nightmare, the kind of nightmare where you don’t necessarily remember the details. Craig remembers the way it felt; wet like blood, like he was being crushed over and over, and the sound of a baby crying in his ears. He wakes shaking and crying, unsure exactly why he is so upset. He can still hear the cries ringing back and forth, and in the night, he feels extra vulnerable. That’s the sound his baby would have made; his baby would have relied on him, called for him and only felt safe in his arms. The weight of that knowledge wrings his heart dry and he sobs, loudly and uncontrollably.

He doesn’t hear his bedroom door opening and he doesn’t notice the figure entering his room until he hears his mother’s voice.

“What’s the matter baby?” She asks, scooting in to sit in the bed and wrap her arms around him. The use of the b-word makes him wail harder, and he buries his face in her pyjama top.

“Craig," she whispers, “what’s happened?”

“You’ll hate me," he moans. “You’ll never talk to me again.”

“There is nothing in the world that will make me hate you, Craig," she says, still holding him close. Craig sobs harder, he wants to tell her so bad, after all the effort he went through to hide it from her. He just can’t hold the hurt in any longer.

“I was pregnant," he says through sobs, “and now I’m not.”

“Oh Craig," she sighs. “I’m sorry baby.”

“I got rid of it," He hiccuped, “I know I did the right thing… but I can’t stop feeling bad.”

“Craig," his mom whispers, “you’re okay, my love. If you feel that was right decision then it was. It’s your body and you’re the boss, okay?” She kisses the top of his head. 

“You’re not mad?” He asks.

“What’s done is done, just be more careful in the future," she says. “Let’s just do what we need to do to help you heal.”

“Tweek was the father," he says quietly. “I never told him.”

“You’re not dating, are you?” She asks him. Normally Craig might feel awkward talking to her about this stuff, but everything is just so raw right now. All pretences have been thrown out the window.

“No, I used to wish we were but now I feel bad around him," Craig confesses. He can’t bring himself to be ashamed. 

“You’ve got to tell him, Craig," she insists. “Even if it’s just for you. I think you’ll feel lighter for it,” She sounds deadly serious.

“He’ll hate me," He croaks. 

“He might be hurt, but I don’t think he’ll hate you," his mother replies, rubbing his back comfortingly. “You’ll both feel better for telling the truth.”

“You would have been so mad at me, if I’d come home and said I was pregnant," Craig says. “You would have yelled at me for sure.”

“Probably," she says sadly. “I would have come around eventually.”

“It’s weird, mom. I didn't want a baby. I still don’t, but a part of me was wanting  _ that  _ baby. Like, I accidentally bonded a little bit with a clump of cells.”

“I think that’s normal, it’s hard not to bond. But do you regret it?” She asks. 

“Not really," Craig says. “I sometimes daydream about what ifs, but it’s safe because I know it will always stay a what if. I couldn’t have had a baby.”

“I’m proud of you," she says quietly, “that’s an incredibly mature choice you made. And I think you will feel a bit better once you tell Tweek what’s been going on.”

Craig can’t help but descend into sobs again but this time he’s smiling a little through it. 

—

Craig likes to be home alone where it's dark and quiet. Tricia is at a friends and his parents have gone to some trivia night with a bunch of other South Park parents. Craig likes the silence, bar natural white noise, he doesn’t have to pretend to be okay when he’s alone. He mostly just uses the time to do his homework, since part of his rationale for terminating the pregnancy was that he wants to go to college. So he figures he better come good on that ambition, even if it is only for him. Maybe when he’s older he’ll get to actually have a baby, and that baby can be proud that it has a successful, educated dad. At least, that’s what he tells himself! that’s how he gets himself out of bed and through the day.

When there’s a loud, constant knock at the door he’s startled out of his reverie. The person is pounding on the door, because otherwise Craig may not have heard it. His bedroom is upstairs and he often has all the doors closed. He tries to ignore the bangs, but they just keep going, making him flinch every time. After coming to the realisation that this person isn’t going away, Craig drags himself from his bed and downstairs to answer the door. He’s not exactly dressed to entertain, wearing a pair of sweats and oversized shirt. The outfit combination he relied on while pregnant ironically, and a far cry from his former, put together self. He can’t be bothered to care what he looks like anymore. He opens the door reluctantly to see the very person he has been avoiding. The last person he wants to see: Tweek. 

“You gotta let me in, man," Tweek says. “I don’t care if you have a migraine, or you feel sick or whatever, we have to talk  _ now.” _

Craig is taken aback by the assertiveness of his tone and steps aside, letting him in. He knows he probably owes Tweek some kind of explanation, he just didn’t want it to be now. He’s been mulling over his mom’s advice lately and is still debating whether he wants to tell Tweek the whole truth. He’s thinking he might have to, the heaviness of his heart weighing on him so painfully physically he isn’t sure he can bear the feeling any longer. 

“Can we go up to my room?” He asks, and Tweek nods before bounding up the stairs with purpose. Craig can only trail behind, in aimless contrast. 

Craig curls himself into a corner, where his bed meets the wall, desperately wishing it would swallow him up. Tweek is on the very edge of the bed, Craig wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to be as far away as possible.

“This has to stop," he says.

“What has to stop?” Craig replies, playing dumb, trying to avoid the inevitable. 

“You ghosting me, dude, everything was cool between us and then you just  _ -gah-  _ started blowing me off. If you don’t wanna mess around anymore, fine, but you should  _ -ah-  _ tell me what I did wrong! Don’t just ignore me hoping I’ll go away! I won’t!” He exclaims, sounding really hurt. Craig instantly feels terrible, because Tweek hasn’t done anything - he just can’t get his shit together.

“You didn’t do anything," he whispers, refusing to look Tweek in the eye. “I did something.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? If you banged someone else, it’s  _ -nghh-  _ it’s okay it’s not like we were exclusive…” Tweek trails off. 

“I didn’t bang anyone else, I did something bad," Craig whispers, voice small and still looking at the ground.

“Craig, you’re starting to scare me. What the fuck is going on?” Tweek says, his voice dropping low with concern. 

“I was pregnant…” Craig manages, finally able to spit it out. God, he thought this might be more climactic - like he’d do some rehearsed grand speech and it would be so moving that Tweek would magically forgive him. Reality is harsher, and more painful. 

“Dude, why didn’t you tell me… I’m not an asshole… wait…  _ was _ ?” Tweek’s eyes go wide in realisation. 

“Was. I had a termination," Craig affirms, sticking with his theme of short and blunt. 

“If you’re fucking with me this isn’t funny…” Tweek’s voice wavers, he sounds like he’s  _ this  _ close to yelling. His hands are shaking and the emotion is clearly lurking just under the surface of his barely calm tone. 

“Do I look like I’m fucking with you Tweek?” Craig says flatly. 

“What the fuck man?!  _ What the fuck?!  _ Jesus Christ why would you not tell me?!” Tweek shrieks. His sentence just devolving as he yells, his eyes are screaming  _ this can’t be happening!  _

“Because I thought I could have it done, move on and we’d go back to normal… I realise now that I was wrong," Craig tries his best to detach any emotion from his voice. Hoping maybe his flat affect will make Tweek go away - he’s already a monster in Tweek’s eyes, what’s one more thing? 

“Of course you were wrong! That’s my kid too!  _ Gah!  _ How the fuck could you not tell me? Why don’t I get a say?!” Tweek just keeps screaming, Craig doesn’t know how he can de-escalate this.

“I’m sorry, Tweek. I was scared okay? I was scared and I thought you might try and talk me out of it. I was selfish and I’m sorry, I feel fucking awful about it," he manages to get out, everything tumbling out with the most feeling he’s allowed Tweek to see all night. Craig knows his voice is shaking, tears are welling. Tweek goes silent for a second, thinking about the situation.

“You should! Fuck you man!  _ Fuck you!”  _ He spits before storming out of Craig’s bedroom. 

Craig doesn’t follow him. 

—

Tweek won’t talk to him. Granted, he hasn’t really tried that hard to gain Tweek’s forgiveness. He’s mostly just given him a wide berth, but the absence stings nonetheless. Craig gets it, he probably wouldn’t talk to himself either. He feels awful to admit it, but he misses Tweek’s attempts to get him to come out, to talk, to be social. He wishes they could have that movie night Tweek offered before everything went belly up - not that he deserves it. Tweek has been exclusively sitting with Kenny and that crowd, never migrating over to Craig and his friends like he sometimes used to. Kenny gives him a sympathetic glance every now and then. When he and Tweek pass Craig in the halls and Tweek refuses to look at him. Craig doesn’t know how much Kenny knows or how he even knows, but he definitely knows something. That look says so much more than  _ sorry.  _

Craig doesn’t even confide in Bebe what had happened between him and Tweek. It didn’t feel like something he wanted exposed to the world in any sense, even though Bebe knew most of his dirty laundry by now. He also felt so ashamed about everything, about not telling Tweek, having him find out the way he did and having Tweek being so  _ angry  _ at him. Remembering the whole interaction just made him feel sick all over again. It makes him want to just break away further, from everyone. 

The only person Craig has really allowed anywhere near emotionally speaking is his mother. She knows things aren’t good, and don’t appear to be getting better. She doesn’t ask him outright, but he implies that Tweek isn’t speaking to him. He’s just grateful she doesn’t push him for details. 

“He’ll come around," she promises. “I know it.”

On the weekend, he gets up late, past midday, in all his unshowered teenage boy glory, fully expecting an empty house. He’s surprised to find his mother watching tv in the living room. Usually on weekends she tries to do some kind of date thing with his father. He guesses that’s what happens once you’re middle aged and have kids. Craig supposes it would be even worse if he’d had a baby now; he probably wouldn’t get to do anything for himself, let alone dating coupley things - assuming he even had some kind of significant other. 

“Hi Craig, you’re alive!" She says brightly. Craig feels a little ashamed in a dirty pair of sweats, no shirt and a blanket wrapped round him like a cocoon. He thought he’d be alone today. 

“I am," he says flatly. 

“There’s leftover pizza in the fridge," she says, clearly choosing to ignore his surliness. 

He opens the fridge, to see she’s exactly right. He didn’t come down for dinner last night so she probably forced his Dad to save him some. He appreciates that she does that. 

“Thanks," he says, tone lighter. He takes out the pizza box and gets to work reheating it. 

“I was thinking…” she says quietly, watching him intently, “you wanna watch some Red Racer?”

Craig stops in his tracks, he hasn’t heard that name in a while. The microwave beeps but he ignores it.

“Red Racer?” He asks dumbly. 

“Yeah," she smiles, “only if you wanna.”

“O-okay," he says, still very surprised. “Sure.”

He hasn’t watched Red Racer in a few years, but as a child, he’d watch it for hours on repeat every night. Beyond obsessed, sometimes he’d fall asleep to it. Especially when he had a nightmare or was upset, his mom would put it on and snuggle up tight with him in bed until he fell back to sleep. He grew out of it when he hit his teen years, but the nostalgia is still very comforting. So he takes his microwaved pizza, and blanket cocoon and settles down next to her on the couch. She starts the DVD, god, Craig couldn’t tell you how old it is. It’s been played an infinite amount of times and probably scratched all to hell. Craig wonders if she knows what condition the DVD is in.

He offers her the blanket, even though he’s not sure how clean it is. It probably 

smells, like the rest of his room does, but if it does she doesn’t show it and takes the blanket so that they are both tucked under. He doesn’t realise it until maybe a few episodes in, but he’s snuggled into her side, his head resting on her shoulder. It’s kinda weird because he’s bigger than her and it’s been a while since he was smaller. Despite this, she’s making it work and doesn’t seem uncomfortable. 

“I’d be nearly seven months pregnant now," he says quietly.

“I can’t imagine you’d be glowing and happy," she replies. Craig snorts out a laugh, he has to at this point.

“No, I’d be miserable," he nods. “It’s just jarring sometimes. I look at the date and I count, and I think about how I’d probably have a huge bump and like, cry all the time. It’s weird, I wish I could stop doing it… actually," he admits quietly. 

“I think seeing a counsellor might help you, if you’ll let me set it up," she says. “I know you don’t like to talk about your feelings but I think you might need this.”

“Yeah," he replies, “yeah I think so too. Even if Tweek never forgives me, I’ve gotta try and move on.”

“I think that’s a loss on Tweek’s part," she hums, “but I’m biased.”

He laughs lightly, he wouldn’t say he feels better, but he feels distracted and it’s nice.

“I’d like to get myself back," he says to her, “so if you find me a good person, I’ll go.”

“Okay, my baby," she says, kissing the side of his head. He can’t bring himself to be embarrassed, sometimes you just need your mother, even when you’re grown. “I’m so proud of you," she says earnestly, “and I love you.”

“I love you too," he replies, pulling her in closer for a hug. 

“Do you want another episode?” She asks as the credits flash.

“Yeah, sure," he says with a small smile.

—

The counseling thing isn’t so bad; the woman his mom finds is very nice. She’s sympathetic but she’s also very dry and doesn’t let bullshit fly. Craig likes that about her, and he likes that the whole thing isn’t him crying and then singing kumbaya by the fire. She doesn’t try to tell him he’s some selfless martyr but she seems to really get why he’s upset - and even though she isn’t a peer, it’s nice to feel like  _ someone  _ else understands. Craig isn’t sure if it’s helping, but he  _ feels  _ a little lighter and that has to count for something right? 

Craig admits to her that he still has the ultrasound picture, it’s still sealed in its envelope and he’s never looked at it. But he has it, and he calculated what would have been his due date and put it in his phone. He knows he should delete it, but something inside him is still holding on. She tells him that it’s something they will work on next session - unfortunately his unofficial due date falls in between them. He doesn’t tell her that, he sort of wants to keep the date to himself. He might tell Bebe, maybe she’ll have a drink with him or something. 

His due date falls on a school day, which he finds morbidly funny. That he’d probably have to have a day off school to have a baby. What a mess that would have been. Ironically, his unofficial due date is the day Tweek approaches him, for the first time in months. 

He just walks the fuck up to the table Craig and his friends are sitting at, like he hasn’t been fucking silent for months now. Bebe’s eyes go wide as he approaches, she grabs his arm as if to say  _ do you want me to get rid of him?  _ Craig just shakes his head, he desperately wants to talk this one out.

“Hey," Tweek says, and the whole entire table knows he’s directing this at Craig. 

_ Just hey? _

“Hey," he just parrots back, not wanting to put cards on the table first.

“Can we talk?” He sounds nervous, his voice is all gentle and quiet. It’s raw in a way Craig isn’t used to from Tweek. Tweek who likes to get drunk, jump over peoples fences and who loves to laugh.

“Yeah," Craig replies. He gets up from his seat at the table and follows Tweek until they are far away enough from the rest of the group. 

“I’m just…” Tweek manages after an uncomfortable silence, he rubs the back of his neck nervously, “I’m really sorry man, I acted so  _ -hnn-  _ badly…”

“What? No," Craig splutters, “No, I did an awful thing and I should have told you. I should have involved you,  _ I’m  _ sorry.”

“I mean, you didn’t do a horrible thing by having an  _ -ah-  _ abortion. I think you did do the right thing, but like, yeah, you should have told me. I would have supported you, man," he says sadly.

“I… I feel endlessly guilty about it. I don’t regret it, I just wish I hadn’t had to do it in the first place. I’m just… I’m sorry I didn’t let you have a say." 

“Look, I was really mad right after you told me. I  _ -ah-  _ ranted at Kenny for ages and ages, but once I calmed down he kinda made me see that I’d probably have _ -nghh- _ done the same thing? I don’t know, I might have panicked and not told you," he stops for a minute to collect his thoughts, “but also, you did do the right thing. Neither of us wanted a kid, and like, I should have been supporting you while you were distressed…”

“No, Tweek," Craig says with conviction, “you really had no obligation to me, especially after I just didn’t tell you what I did.”

“I guess, but, if we’re both sorry can we just agree to disagree?” He suggests “I miss you so much, man, it like, aches. Can we start over? No more secrets this time?”

“I’d like that," Craig says with a small smile. “I’ve missed you too, so much.”

Tweek closes the space between them, pulling Craig into a tight hug. Craig lets himself be lost in the comforting scent of Tweek, he lets himself really get close without any guilt or fear. 

“I think I’m in love with you, man," Tweek whispers. “I know I said we weren’t exclusive, but  _ -nnn-  _ I was exclusive.”

“Me too," Craig confesses. “I’ve been in love with you since day one. I’m sorry I fucked it all up so much.”

“You didn’t, okay, clean slate. I’ve messed up too, we can fix it," he assures, cupping Craig's chin and tilting his head back up so that their mouths are almost touching. He lingers there for a minute before leaning in. Craig melts into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Tweek. Craig never wants to break the contact, they just keep kissing, slowly and romantically until they are forced to come up for air. 

“I am so in love with you," Tweek says breathlessly. “When we weren’t talking I just couldn’t get you out of my  _ -ah-  _ head.”

“Yeah, when I was… when I was pregnant I was afraid to be too close to you because I’d go all starry eyed and goopy. I wanted to keep a level head, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about you," he sighs. He’s kinda glad it’s all out, even if it hurts to say it. 

“I should have noticed you were pregnant, I feel like such an idiot," Tweek admits.

“I was hiding it like my life depended on it," Craig says “but uh, I started showing super early. So I had a little bump I was scared you might accidentally touch.”

“I kinda saw it, on the bus that day? But when you said your stomach was upset I just assumed you were  _ -nghh-  _ bloated or whatever," Tweek replies honestly. Craig can’t help feeling a little self conscious knowing that Tweek noticed. 

“It was really awful, I hated the bump so much but then after I… after I had the abortion my stomach went back to normal. And that made me sad too," he confesses. He guesses that today is the day for confessing, it’s better than letting it rot.

“God, I just, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you," Tweek says, he just sounds so sad, and lost. Craig wishes he could say something, anything to ease Tweek’s guilt. 

‘Clean slate’ is what he says instead, before deciding to go for broke. “Hey, can I tell you something? I wasn’t gonna tell anyone but I feel like you have a right to know.”

“Literally anything, Craig, I want you to tell me  _ -gah-  _ everything, always," Tweek implores him. 

“Today is the day the baby was due, well, in theory," Craig says shyly. 

“Whoa, that’s kinda crazy," Tweek says, his eyes going a bit wide and his voice breathy. 

“I know, I just, I felt like I had to share," Craig replies with a shrug. He’s unsure if he should have said it, but at least he told someone that isn’t his counsellor. And Tweek is the dad after all, he’s probably the person who should know.

“No, I’m glad you did. Maybe we can do something later after school? Something to like commemorate it?” Tweek suggests, smiling. 

“Yeah, okay," Craig agrees. “That sounds good.”

—

Craig and Tweek decide to date, for real, after their kiss. They do sincerely try to start over; they go on awkward dates and like, actually do couple things like hold hands and kiss just for the hell of it. Before, a kiss would have meant sex was coming, now it’s just something the do because they want to. It’s nice. He feels like he’s actually sixteen again, although he is sure the counselling is helping with that too. 

He doesn’t regret his choice, even if it hurt. It still hurts sometimes, Craig suspects it will always hurt a little. But the goal is to not let that hurt take over his life. He gets to do all the things that he’d wanted to do now. He can do couple things with his boyfriend, chat to Bebe too long on the phone, play video games all night with Clyde. Just be a kid, and he can work towards college. He could do all those things, and maybe when he’s grown, come back and have a baby later. A baby he is ready for and can give everything it needs. Maybe he can make this thing with Tweek last and he can have a baby with those blue eyes after all. He doesn’t dwell on it for too long, he doesn’t want to grow up too fast. 

Because he and Tweek now have a no secrets policy, Craig feels he should tell Tweek about the ultrasound he’s been keeping. Mainly because he doesn’t know what to do with it. He thinks he wants a reminder, because he doesn’t want to forget that there ever was a baby. Because he did love it, sorta, in his own fucked up way. He doesn’t necessarily want to think of the baby as a person, but as a concept, definitely. 

Tweek suggests they open it, look at the photo, and maybe it will help Craig let go. Craig thinks Tweek also might want to see his baby, since he never really got any kind of chance. He’s terrified to do it, but he thinks Tweek has some kind of point. It’s not healthy to just have that envelope sitting there burning a hole in his brain. 

“We can throw it out after," Tweek suggests, “if that’s what you want.”

Craig shakes his head, he doesn’t want that. Maybe he can find some kind of special place for it, like a photo album or a nice keepsake box. 

“I don’t want to throw it away," he says. “That feels like a gross metaphor.”

“Okay, well you don’t have to, I could maybe, like, put it in a  _ -hnng-  _ scrapbook for both of us?” Tweek says shyly, his body shrinking away a little with clear nerves. 

“You scrapbook?” Craig asks, taken aback. Tweek didn’t really strike him as the scrapbooking type. This is why being in a relationship is so awesome, he feels like he learns something new every day. 

“Shut up, it’s something I can do with my mom, okay?” Tweek admits, a blush tinting his cheeks.

“No it’s cute! I love that idea. Should we open it first though? I kinda wanna look at it together," Craig offers, he doesn’t want to do this alone. 

“Yeah, open it. If we’re gonna look at it, it should definitely be  _ -ah-  _ together," Tweek agrees. Craig passes him the envelope wordlessly.

“I can’t do it," he says. “You open it.”

Tweek just nods, his shaking hands rip at the paper. Craig feels hyper aware of every sound, the paper ripping, the ticking of the clock, Tweek’s unsteady breathing. He looks at his hands, waiting for Tweek to be done.

“Here," Tweek whispers, placing the little black and white picture in their line of sight. Craig feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. It wasn't a person, but still, Craig knows the significance; just because it doesn’t look human doesn’t mean Craig doesn’t realise. 

“Wow," Tweek says. “It was a blob, but like, it was kinda our blob.”

“Yeah," Craig says, leaning further into Tweek’s side. “I get you. I wanted to want it - I really did.”

“I know," Tweek comforts, “we would have been disaster parents, but like, maybe later we won’t be?”

Craig nods. “When we try for real we’ll get it right.” 

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is blesspastacraig if you wanna be friends :)


End file.
